{"id":3882,"date":"2022-12-21T13:41:09","date_gmt":"2022-12-21T13:41:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/2022\/12\/21\/demotivation\/"},"modified":"2022-12-21T13:41:09","modified_gmt":"2022-12-21T13:41:09","slug":"demotivation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/?p=3882","title":{"rendered":"Demotivation\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I feel low today. Demotivated. I feel like I need to do something but I can\u2019t conjure up the energy within myself to do it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think it\u2019s a little bit of \u201cbe careful what you wish for.\u201d Jim had been quiet and the past couple of days I found myself wishing he\u2019d post something. Especially in light of Terry Hall\u2019s passing. Years ago I\u2019d freak out if he went quiet. I\u2019d start to doom think – begin to worry if he was okay and start to be concerned something had happened. Of course it never had. Then I would be scornful of myself for caring so much and give myself a telling off. \u201cJim\u2019s as fit as a Mallee bull\u201d as the Australian colloquialism goes, \u201cdinna fash\u201d – as the locals say when appearing to fuss or stress over nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then yesterday he posted with his review of the year\/\u201cbest of\u201d kinda post. Mr \u201cI don\u2019t look back\u201d seems to have at least reviewed the past 12 months. I do wish he\u2019d stop with this \u201cnever look back\u201d business. It gets a bit tiring after a while. It\u2019s always said with this air of superiority that grates on me. Like, he feels \u201ca better person\u201d for this perceived lack of desire for nostalgia tripping. Except he constantly contradicts himself with it and cannae even see it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good luck with \u201cnever looking back\u201d while writing your memoir, Jim! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without even thinking, I replied to his post. It\u2019s something that has been such an unconscious response that I did it without any second thought. Until after I had posted it and thought \u201cOh, you fool! There you go again. Straight in with a response. As if he\u2019s waiting on your response. HE DOESNAE CARE! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT IN YOUR THICK SKULL?!\u201d I guess I could have deleted it. Or just responded on my blog instead but the action was so spontaneous – as it has always been that I just initially didn\u2019t stop to think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I keep going back to the post to see if he has liked or responded to anyone else. Feeling a weird sense of relief that he\u2019s responded to no one at all. I don\u2019t feel alone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I keep thinking about the person who described Jim as \u201cesoteric.\u201d It\u2019s a good description. I think about it in relation to Jim\u2019s previous post in which he talked about the fans being \u201cour tribe.\u201d But there are those who are within an \u201cinner circle.\u201d They\u2019re the REAL \u201ctribe.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I loved feeling involved. A part of it. If not right within that inner circle, then at least able to delude myself I might find myself in it one day\u2026or something like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was always just that sense of wanting to matter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today is the winter solstice and a lot of people are sharing the SM song Solstice Kiss. My mate, Birdy, sharing a photo of her signed CD – \u201cSolstice Kiss Birdy.\u201d A reminder that I was not \u201cworth it.\u201d That, combined with the weather and the disappointment in myself for STILL desiring that sense of exchange with Jim that long passed – eating me up inside. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These days it feels like I write AT him, not TO him. It has ALWAYS been one-sided. It very rarely was two-sided. I have held on to those little exchanges for so many years. It\u2019s ridiculous. And just when I feel like I am getting stronger and getting over it, a few days like these are enough to bring me down into a spiral.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wishing for a word from Jim. Terry passing away. Telling myself that Jim will be fine – he\u2019s fit as a fiddle! A word about Terry from him would be nice. I think of \u201cSkin\u201d (Tony Donald) and Alan McNeil and the contemporaries of his that have left us and I get maudlin. That time for us is precious. It\u2019s nearly Christmas. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He posts. Present for a moment, then gone. It\u2019s solstice and there are no kisses. Not even a like\u2026or anything. And I have to try and stop myself from wanting to \u201ctalk\u201d to him, because it\u2019s absurd and it doesn\u2019t matter. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter to you, it matters to me\u201d, to quote Bono\u2019s line from So Cruel. I think it is probably just about my favourite U2 song. Certainly is from my favourite U2 album. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have a Christmas dinner meet-up tonight. Birdy and I are out with our friend, Michelle, to have tea at a local Vietnamese restaurant. And I am trying to get myself in the mood. I don\u2019t want to be the wet blanket tonight at the tea. I have been looking forward to this meal and the \u201cgirl\u2019s night out\u201d for weeks\u2026and now that it\u2019s here? I just want to stay home and curl up in bed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So\u2026in essence, one must be careful for what one wishes for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tomorrow is the last Kerrsday before Christmas and \u2026 oh, Lord is there something visually splendid coming to the Priptona Weird blog! Look out for that! Other than that, it\u2019s gonna be a quiet old Christmas and I should probably just bury my head in my uni study because, there ain\u2019t nothing else doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wish I could write something good\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I feel low today. Demotivated. I feel like I need to do something but I can\u2019t conjure up the energy within myself to do it. I think it\u2019s a little bit of \u201cbe careful what you wish for.\u201d Jim had been quiet and the past couple of days I found myself wishing he\u2019d post something. … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “Demotivation\u2026”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,4,5,7,12],"tags":[17,59,77,96,114,116,139,148,161,166,269,288,291,293,316],"class_list":["post-3882","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-everyday","category-life-stuff","category-mental-health","category-personal","category-writing","tag-17","tag-blogging","tag-christmas","tag-death","tag-exchanges","tag-facebook","tag-glasgow","tag-health","tag-interactions","tag-jim-kerr","tag-review-of-the-year","tag-simple-minds","tag-social-media","tag-solstice","tag-thoughts"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3882"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3882\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3882"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3882"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/larelleread.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}